Ask SAFE: I’m Just Now Seeing the Abuse—How Can I Move Forward?
Written by Emily Arismendy
Realizing you’ve been a victim of violence can be a profoundly emotional experience, especially when that realization comes years after the fact. This delayed recognition is not uncommon—abuse and trauma can manifest in ways that leave survivors questioning their experiences. Often, societal norms, manipulation by abusers, or self-protective mechanisms prevent survivors from recognizing the abuse for what it was.
Controlling Partner
“I used to think my ex was just ‘protective.’ He made all the decisions, controlled our finances, and didn’t want me to spend time with certain friends. I thought he just cared about me. Years later, I realized he was controlling my life.”
Emotional and financial abuse often masquerade as concern or love, making it hard to identify during the relationship. Survivors may dismiss the behavior, thinking, “It’s not like they hit me.” However, control is a hallmark of abusive relationships. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), 48.8% of women and 48.1% of men have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
- Acknowledge the Impact: Recognizing that your ex’s actions were controlling and abusive does not mean you were “weak” or at fault. Abusers often manipulate their partners in subtle ways that build over time. It’s essential to validate your feelings and experiences without judgment.
- Seek Professional Guidance: A trauma-informed therapist can help you unpack feelings of confusion, guilt, or anger about the relationship. Therapy can also help you rebuild trust in yourself and others, empowering you to create healthier boundaries in future relationships.
- Reclaim Your Independence: If your former partner controlled aspects like finances or decision-making, rebuilding autonomy is a vital step. This might include learning financial skills, asserting boundaries in relationships, or rediscovering activities and friendships you were previously discouraged from pursuing.
- Join Support Networks: Connecting with others who’ve experienced similar situations can be incredibly validating. Support groups—whether in-person or online—offer a safe space to share experiences and learn from others who have navigated similar paths.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Healing from psychological aggression takes time. Be kind to yourself as you process your emotions and work toward rebuilding your sense of self. Some days may feel harder than others, and that’s okay. Progress is not linear.
Resources
- National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Coercive Control: Spotting the Signs
- Financial Abuse Resources – Purple Purse
Flirty Boss
“I had a boss who used to flirt with me constantly. At the time, I thought it was harmless and maybe even flattering. But looking back, I realize how uncomfortable and powerless it made me feel.”
Sexual harassment in the workplace is often dismissed as harmless or “just how they are,” especially when it’s framed as flirtation. Many survivors internalize these experiences, questioning whether they were overreacting. However, harassment is about power, not attraction. According to a 2018 study by Stop Street Harassment, 38% of women and 13% of men report experiencing sexual harassment in the workplace, highlighting how common this issue is.
- Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s natural to feel confused or even blame yourself when looking back on these situations. Start by affirming that your discomfort was valid and that no one has the right to cross professional boundaries, no matter their intent.
- Understand Workplace Harassment: Research what constitutes sexual harassment under workplace policies and the law. The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) outlines clear definitions, which can help you recognize that your boss’s behavior was inappropriate and an abuse of power.
- Reflect Without Self-Blame: Survivors often wonder, “Why didn’t I say something?” or “Did I encourage this?” Remember, workplace power dynamics can make it incredibly difficult to speak out. The responsibility always lies with the harasser, not the victim.
- Talk to Someone You Trust: Sharing your experience with a trusted friend, colleague, or therapist can help you process your emotions and identify the impact the harassment had on your well-being.
- Learn About Reporting Options: If your experience occurred recently, consider exploring avenues for reporting. This could mean consulting with HR, seeking legal advice, or contacting an advocacy organization like the Time’s Up Legal Defense Fund.
- Healing and Moving Forward: Healing might involve setting boundaries in future workplaces, attending therapy, or joining a support group for workplace harassment survivors. Use this time to reclaim your sense of empowerment and rebuild trust in your professional relationships.
Resources
- Time’s Up Legal Defense Fund
- Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC)
- RAINN Workplace Harassment Resources
Confusing Sexual Experience
“I thought it was just a mistake. A couple of years ago, a friend and I were hanging out at their house after a party. Things got a little physical, but I thought we were just having fun. It wasn’t until later that I realized I never gave my consent, and I don’t know if what happened was assault or not.”
Sexual assault between friends can be especially confusing because of the blurred lines that may exist between consent, intimacy, and trust. This scenario often leads to survivors questioning their own experiences and feeling guilt or shame, as the assault may have occurred in a context that initially seemed safe. Unfortunately, even within close friendships, boundaries can be violated, and survivors may not realize they’ve been assaulted until they’ve had time to reflect.
According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC), approximately 1 in 5 women and 1 in 16 men are sexually assaulted while in college, and many of these assaults occur with someone the victim knows, like a friend or acquaintance. The confusion surrounding sexual assault in such contexts can prevent survivors from understanding what happened or feeling comfortable naming the experience as assault. Studies have shown that people may minimize or rationalize the assault, which can delay the recognition of the trauma.
- Acknowledge Your Feelings and Trust Your Instincts: If you feel that your boundaries were crossed, your feelings are valid. It’s normal to question whether what happened was assault, especially if you trusted the person involved. However, if the experience was non-consensual or you were coerced, it is important to recognize that what happened was not your fault. Consent is key in all interactions, and your feelings of discomfort or confusion are legitimate.
- Understand Consent and Control: Consent must be clear, mutual, and enthusiastic at every stage of any interaction. Reflecting on the situation, ask yourself if you felt you had the freedom to say “no,” or if you felt pressured or manipulated in any way. Research on sexual assault, including studies from RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), shows that coercion, manipulation, and pressure can all contribute to a lack of true consent, even between friends.
- Seek Therapy or Counseling: Trauma-informed therapy can help you process what happened and work through feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion. A counselor can provide a safe space for you to explore the complexities of this situation and guide you toward a clearer understanding of the trauma. Talking with someone who is trained in trauma can make a significant difference in how you navigate your feelings and recovery.
- Set Boundaries with the Friend: If you continue to interact with the person involved, it’s essential to set clear boundaries to protect yourself. This may mean distancing yourself from them or limiting the nature of your interactions. Your healing process depends on your ability to take control of the situation, and that might require redefining or cutting off the relationship.
- Educate Yourself on Healthy Relationships: Understanding what constitutes a healthy, respectful friendship can be an important step in healing. It’s vital to recognize that genuine friends respect each other’s boundaries and autonomy. You deserve to have relationships—romantic or platonic—that are built on mutual respect, communication, and consent.
- Consider Legal Action or Support: If you feel that the incident was criminal, you may want to consider legal options. Contacting a support organization like RAINN can help you navigate your choices and understand your rights. Survivors often feel empowered by knowing they have legal options, whether through reporting the assault or seeking protective measures.
Resources:
- RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)
- National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC)
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline
Exploitation Disguised as Love
“I was kicked out of my parent’s house when I was 18. I was couch-surfing and didn’t have a stable place to stay. That’s when I met my ex-boyfriend. He seemed like the perfect partner—caring, supportive, and ready to help me get back on my feet. When we moved in together, I started noticing things I thought were odd. He said he couldn’t work and told me I’d need to pay for everything. He pushed me to do things I didn’t want to do to make money. Before I knew it, I was losing control of my life. He had access to my accounts, my house was being used for things I didn’t agree with, and I was scared to say no. It took years for me to realize he was exploiting me.”
Trafficking doesn’t discriminate—survivors come from diverse backgrounds, socioeconomic statuses, and life experiences. According to the International Labour Organization, there are an estimated 27.6 million victims of human trafficking globally at any given time, with individuals exploited for forced labor, sexual exploitation, and other forms of abuse.
It’s okay to take healing at your own pace. Recovery is about regaining control over your life, piece by piece, in ways that empower and uplift you. There are people and resources ready to help when you’re ready to seek them. There is no need to face this journey alone—support is available to help you every step of the way.
- Recognizing the Abuse: It’s common for survivors of trafficking to not immediately recognize their experiences as exploitation. Traffickers often manipulate victims under the guise of love, protection, or support, making it difficult to see the situation clearly. If this resonates with you, know that realizing what happened is a brave and crucial first step.
- Breaking Through the Shame: Feeling shame or blaming yourself is normal but misplaced. Traffickers are experts at exploiting vulnerabilities. The choices you made were about surviving at the time, not about failing yourself or others. Remember: the responsibility lies with the perpetrator, not you.
- Rebuilding Trust and Safety: After escaping a trafficking situation, it can be hard to trust people or systems. Building connections through peer support groups can be a gentler way to rebuild trust than jumping straight into counseling. Programs like SAFE CARES provide trauma-informed support and help survivors regain autonomy at their own pace.
- Addressing Immediate Needs: Survivors often emerge from trafficking with financial, emotional, and housing instability. Connecting with advocates who can help you regain control of finances, secure housing, and rebuild your independence is critical. These steps allow you to focus on long-term healing without being overwhelmed by day-to-day survival needs.
- Navigating Triggers: Each part of your story may carry different emotional weight. It’s okay to process things one piece at a time and to focus on what feels most pressing, whether that’s emotional healing, financial stability, or physical well-being. Healing isn’t linear, and prioritizing your needs in the moment is valid.
Resources
The holiday season can be a particularly challenging time for survivors of abuse, especially if they find themselves in situations where they must see or interact with the person who hurt them. The pressure to maintain family traditions or social appearances can instill feelings of discomfort, anxiety, or even retraumatization. For survivors navigating this, it’s important to prioritize their well-being and set boundaries that protect their emotional and mental health.
To navigate such situations, consider strategies like limiting your time in shared spaces with the person who hurt you, enlisting a trusted ally to support you during gatherings, or even opting out of events that feel unsafe. Practice self-care before and after encounters, such as journaling, taking calming breaks, or scheduling therapy sessions. Remember, your healing and safety come first, and it’s okay to make decisions that prioritize your peace.
